Martinez – Historian
By training, I’m a Historian. And I do a lot of sex, so I’m the real deal when it comes to being about sex. I’m an expert and let’s leave it at that. Lets look beyond the mere pushing and thrusting and violations that are occurring on the regular in our modern world. Its Valentines Day, peoples. It’s a holiday. So lets get the skinny on where Valentines Day comes from.

Valentine’s Day – The Facts
Before there were cupids and hearts, there were bows & arrows and Harpies & locusts & Jews and Hippies. It was 19 odd 6, and the people were a feared. A plague of lascivious harpies with large breasts, flaxen hair and the power of fire, had provoked unrestrained lust and mass degradation, not to mention fires, in many cities in Greece. No one could get to work, or focus on their daily lives. Burnt naked savages made love in the open fields, while the animals watched and were ashamed.

Flagon Zee Dutch
When St Valentine (aka Valentino the Greasy) came along on a camel from France, he was caked in sweat, with bloody feet and a surly countenance. His first order of business was to quaff his rapacious thirst with a flagon of the coldest ales. At a near-empty local alehouse, the tired lad threw down the gauntlet. “Give me your finest Grog,” he cried. Six Golden Cold ones later, The Valentino was all kinds of fired up. He hit the streets like a bat out of Ozzy’s mouth, chewed up and wet. His quiver of arrows was topped up, and his bowstring was strung taught. It was time to lick a couple of bumba-shots at these Harpy bumba-clots.

Blazing Breezies
Valentino came upon a pack of the Flying Floozies, gossiping and smoking and tormenting the local men. With a steady drunken hand, Big Valiant knocked an arrow, and slayed the Breezies, one at a time, until he blew all these bitches back to Kingdom Come. When the Harpies died, they left behind the treasure they had stolen from the vulnerable Greeks: Chocolates, Roses, iPads, Tickets to the Ballet and very large teddy Bears. Valentino rounded up this hoarded treasure and delivered it to the grateful Greeks, who put him on their collective shoulders and carried him to the Acropolis where we was made to have sex with a Lion, a Tiger and a Bear…Oh my.

Valentino – Traditionalist
Needless to day St Val was torn to bits, and his body parts buried in a heaving pile of maggots and horse dung. The recently freed townspeople were so grateful that they named a Holiday after Valentino. Valentines Day was a day to celebrate the death of the Harpies by giving loving gifts to your special someone. Those who forgot about the Harpies were left to ponder why anyone would care about another person enough to give them an iPad, and were happier for having kept the gifts themselves. The lesson here is that you shouldn’t help anyone slay their beasts, as it’s a cold cruel world and your more likely to end up lonely, drunk and torn to bits by lions, instead of finding true love.